Troubled About Many Things
I needed a reset.
I needed to turn off the anxious round-about thoughts firing off one after another in my head and start fresh.
Reboot.
I woke up anxious.
There was a crushing decision heavy on my heart and I genuinely didn’t want to mess everything up. There it is…that word “everything” is proof that the world is resting on my shoulders once again.
I woke up huffing and puffing and distant from gratitude. My chest was tight and my breath shallow. I felt alone in this decision and unsure of the outcome and….and…and…and. Then it bled into my day like unchecked worry always seems to do.
I have prayed it out until I beat it to a pulp and now…it’s more unclear. I am beginning to realize that my prayers have been a little like practicing for a job interview and far from intimacy.
I became frustrated with my oldest boy because I noticed that he had gotten in the habit of carrying grudges and I pointed that out with my hypocritical finger, waving it around in judgement, when I myself had gotten in the habit of carrying one too many thoughts. I was holding on tight to these thoughts, unsuccessfully trying to shoulder every single scenario.
But.
God’s Word puts me back at His feet like nothing else in this world, aligning my perspective with Truth. I can feel each thought begin to lift like one of those lost balloons you see at an amusement park. Drifting away, up and up until it disappears into the clouds above.
I remember, as if I am finally waking up, that anxiety is making life about many things, when only one thing is needed. It is being overwhelmed with “everything” instead of allowing the “good part” to fill up every inch of my heart leaving no room for the what if's.
Breathe deep daughter.
My yoke is light.
Reset your gaze.
Reboot.
That big decision I have to make, the one that started all of this, still needs to be made and it is still a hard one to make.
But first comes relationship. It is through intimacy with my Heavenly Father that I can see the world the way that it really is. It is through intimacy that I can help my own son work through his own battles.
When our struggles become disconnected from relationship, they become weights that entangle and isolate us. I knew it when I woke up with fear instead of gratitude.
But.
I can choose to worship.
As I begin to see my struggle as it truly is, which is carried by Jesus Christ, I am able to worship freely and thank Him.
I can choose to meditate.
As I meditate on His Words to Martha in Luke, I am able to comprehend by His Spirit, that I too was making it about many things instead of the one thing that was necessary.
I can choose to listen.
I am open to hearing the heart of my Father instead of the “what ifs” of my decisions. What was once unclear, muddy and downright scary, begins to come into focus. I can trust Him to direct me as I simply just take a step, believing that He is sovereign and fully in control of the outcome.