Not Enough
He asked me if I needed anything else.
This husband of many years, fair share of struggles and brilliant celebrations.
His kindness not always deserved, but often finding me in the hollowest of places. Bravely, over and over again, he moves freely into my needs. This man who made a sacred vow to stay, lives with me in the ugly places of my heart fully, until I understand that I am loved even there. That kind of love changes where we live.
To be fully known AND fully loved is to be wholly seen.
He asked if I needed anything else with my meal and I looked over at the small pile of crackers stacked deliberately next to my youngest son's bowl of beans.
"Crackers", I replied.
My youngest looked puzzled, placing his left hand on top of the small pile of crackers, slowly moving them off the edge of the table like he was fighting conviction. This child, who has been blessed with so much, felt like he did not have enough. When surrounded by need, he responded with fear instead of faith.
“The small battles against temptation take place in the seemingly irrelevant moments of life, because lies seek a hiding place to subtly lay down roots before they start to grow”
For this boys mother, who has witnessed all of his young life, watching his beautiful gift of giving... relentlessly and freely extending his possessions out to those in need... this was a telling interaction. What he was doing, hiding and hoarding what he had from the need around him, was completely turned around from who he is.
He is a giver.
True community will catch the deep inconsistencies in our being.
Family is designed to nurture true community, its members paying close attention to the ways of a soul that seem contradictory to reality.
“When we are full of love and rooted in community, we can call each other out from those things that have our hearts turned around and call each other back into the reality of who we really are”
It may seem silly... making a big deal about something so small, but I have lived long enough to see that it is in the simple matters of this life that the most profound lessons are learned. When we are living out our faith with a sense of anticipation and expectation, we will begin to hear the holy whispers of the Holy Spirit.
The Spirit will show us when we should make something essential, no matter how small it may seem. The Spirit will guide us in teaching a lesson ready for a willing student to learn. These moments will appear to step forward from the lineup of life making themselves clearly distinguishable from everything else around them. These moments are ripe with treasured lessons that seem to blend with the common place stories of our day. Often, it is in the very middle of living that these lessons seem highlighted by the hand of God.
Lessons like these though often take the preparation of years in community to catch.
At five years old, this youngest boy of mine, demanded that I pull my car over one day on our way home from preschool. I knew deep in my heart that I had to comply with his request, though I had no idea the reason why he was so adamant. Even at just five years old, he had a certain authority to his voice... it was undeniable.
Before I had come to a complete stop, he was outside of the car running full speed towards a woman leaning over a trash can. In his tiny hand were two crunched up dollar bills, which he proudly held up as high as his arm could stretch as if to communicate how prized they were.
He excitedly motioned for the woman to take them.
Still inside of the car, looking out through the open window, I could see his joy from the street. It wrapped around his gift and set everything around him aglow. The joy in his eyes brought tears to my own. His love for this woman seemed tangible, something that you could feel... touch.
As I think back on it now, it seems beautifully ironic that this woman was searching for something of value to collect from inside that trash can. She was searching for something of value, but she met the One who is most valuable. To this world, those two crunched up dollar bills had little value, but Jesus teaches us that in the Kingdom of God there is a very different value system.
“And He sat down opposite the treasury, and began observing how the people were putting money into the treasury; and many rich people were putting in large sums. A poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which amount to a cent. Calling His disciples to Him, He said to them, Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than all the contributors to the treasury; for they all put in out of their surplus, but she, out of her poverty, put in all she owned, all she had to live on.”
The widow gave out of true sacrifice.
True sacrifice is always birthed out of deep love.
This love had been the way about this boy his whole life. This is who he is. He is a giver. When we understand that we have enough, we can give with joy and abandon. For this boy, believing that he did not have enough, goes hard against his heart sweetly bent towards sacrifice. This belief will keep us hiding what we have, but that is not all that is hidden from the world... the world is also robbed of who we are.
That explains the hesitation... why he was holding back blessing.
Slowly sliding the crackers off the side of the table was a cry for help from a heart battling a lie.
One of the most damaging lies we can believe as followers of Christ is that we do not have enough.
- We are not enough
- He is not enough
- What we have been given is not enough
We slowly slide, not just what we have, but who we are off the table. We begin to hide what God has given us to share because we believe that we cannot afford to give it away. But we can. We can because we have enough. We can because we are enough. Most importantly, God is enough for all of it.
I read these words to my son over breakfast the next morning.
He smiled big.
He understood.
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